I am starting to realise just how happy my life is and that realisation
isn’t met with the relief you think it would be bring. My initial response is somewhat
puzzled.
You see, I am quite the pessimistic person. I am an over
worrier and more often than not I assume things will go wrong. I expect the worst and
maybe just a little of part of me hopes for the best. So to find myself on my
bedroom floor, looking back over the past three years of my life in the form of
yearbooks, scrapbooks and photo albums, something dawns on me that I’ve never
quite properly grasped before.
I’m happy.
I’m happy.
I don’t mean to say that I am forever your typical whiney
teenager of the internet. Yes, I have esteem issues and avoid my reflection and
associate the word ugly with myself more often than is healthy. But I am also
constantly trying to savour memories for myself and the good things about my life.
This has happened a lot for me the past year since it has
been my first year at university as well as the best summer I’ve ever had.
Whether it's the feeling of laughter during pre drinks or the realisation of the
fact I am actually a student and made it. The feeling of being in a crowded
festival at Portugal, watching Mumford and Sons in the sunset. Or on a beach
and the realisation I’ve made two of the best friends – there I would say I
could of possibly asked for – but, at the risk of sounding cheesy, if I had
asked I think it would have been asking too much.
My room for my first year of University |
Optimus Alive in Portugal |
I am not a boastful, nor arrogant person (see afore mentioned esteem) but I will forever strive to remember what it feels like to be content. Little moments when I will admit to myself that this is good and I don’t want it changing. This can be anything from dancing to a song in a club, rather drunk and feeling freedom. Or just sitting at home in an evening in with my family, all of us drinking tea and laughing at something stupid one of us has said.
When we all watch Breaking Bad and drink tea |
I’m aware this isn’t the most coherent of things but, you see, I’m not feeling quite coherent. I’m beginning to realise how many of those moments I’ve had. Sometimes they’re more than moments, they’re days. Times that I am, put quite simply, happy.
Even so, I still worry and ,yes, things do go wrong for me. Cue mention
of having three phones nicked in the space of a month, drunken mistakes and
being judged.
I think, what I’m trying to get at, is that right now I
wouldn’t want to change a thing in my life. Which is saying something and it's taken me a long time to come to this. Of
course, at this moment in time the worrier is me jumps up on my shoulder and with a flourish
takes me forward two years down the line.
Out of university.
Debts.
Little job prospects.
Recession.
Taxes.
Responsibilities.
To those points, which I am highly aware will make me cry later in life, for now I argue back with these:
Out of university – those three years were worth it and you
know it.
Debts – on a degree you enjoyed. On at least one summer that
was incredible.
Little job prospects – write a book and get it published, it’s
what you’ve always wanted. Don’t stop trying until you do. In the meantime,
attempt with the media or at least pick a nice shop. Or supermarket with nice
food.
Recession – the government will always fuck up, you don’t
have to.
Taxes – Alright, they’re just a ballache but everyone has to
deal with them. Avoiding them would be worse for you in the long run.
I am happy now.
I have been for 19 years.
I have had the sturdiest and strongest friendships as well
as family who I love more than anything.
It’s not one of those things where you try to convince
yourself you’re happy. It’s a realisation I have stumbled across and that makes
it all the sweeter. With writing this, I want to try and maintain this thought process.
Or at least have something to look back on to try and remember what it felt like.
Or at least have something to look back on to try and remember what it felt like.
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